Tuesday, October 10, 2006

the signs are posted all over

I have been not so very happy as of late in the professional arena of my life. It's seeping over to my personal life, which continues to make me feel not so very happy.

I am tired. Tired of trying to help kids who don't want to be helped. Tired of getting yelled at, cussed out, and pushed away. Tired of the lack of respect. Tired of the blatant disregard for others' feelings. Tired of a severe lack of periods or commas in papers. Tired of repeating myself dozens of times every day. Tired of working so hard to make fun and interesting activities/assignments, just to be scoffed at and pushed aside. Tired of the attitudes, the egos, the sad stories, the lack of love or hope, the tears, the frustation, the hollow words of apology, the lies, the twisted priorities...

I had a dream last night...it's vague...something to do with a bird in a cage...the bird escaped, only to find itself in a different cage...then the bird disappeared. I don't know. I am always trying to figure out my dreams. I always seem to remember them. I suppose I feel trapped. I debate what I want to do, whether it be teach at a different school, become a literacy coach for teachers, start a youth theatre in Kalamazoo, or just really make Birdie's Bakery a real deal vegan bakery...If I did leave my current job I feel like I'd be giving up on kids who everyone else has given up on, which makes me feel like a jerk. There's more to it though...I don't even know if I want to be in the classroom anymore...I've just been taking a lot of deep breaths lately, as well as ducking into secret rooms and closets to cry where no one will catch me.

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